The Coolest People

Wed, 14 Oct 2020 00:00:00 +0000

Samantha Bean and Liz Walker are officially the coolest people.
The final results are as follows:

Coolest People

  1 - Samantha Bean, Liz Walker (tie)
  3
  4
  5 - Beyoncé

The margin of victory was so great that third and fourth place finishers were not named. Neither Bean nor Walker were interviewed for this article but our investigative team did gather briefly in the break room. Analysis of speculation from that conversation suggests the winners reaction might have looked something like:

Surprise to Some

The result was a surprise to some. While Bean had been an early betting favorite, Walker’s (some say aggressive) PR strategy paid off in the years leading up to the final vote.

We imagine Beyoncé thought to herself “really saw myself getting that fourth place so this feels like a setback.”

It’s About the Libraries

As often happens when people decide who’s coolest, this was about libraries. Once Bean and Walker had the support of the Friends of the Hennepin County Library the balance of coolness swung irreparably in their favor. Walker and Bean even appeared in the HCL Fall Events Guide - that’s like being toasted at the Met Gala only in the form of a downloadable pdf document.

Another imagined Beyoncé quote: “I thought they’d get some library support - Kanabec, Otter Tail or maybe Beltrami County Library, but Hennepin freaking County Libraries? How am I supposed to compete with that?” Beyoncé’s hair dresser’s college friend’s neighbor could not be reached for comment.

Perhaps It’s Them

The world got to know Samantha Bean and Liz Walker through the “Perhaps It’s You” podcast - cited by the BBC as the number one podcast

Designation as the coolest people will only add to their online merchandizing presence.

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Mirror rorriM

Thu, 08 Oct 2020 00:00:00 +0000

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A local man and popular photographer returned home only to find his living room mirror has been installed backwards!

Grave Concern

The gentlemen was not interviewed for this exclusive report but our investigative team was able to have lunch close to the scene of this breaking story. Analysis of speculation around the lunch table reveals grave concern that

the mirror was not installed correctly
the mirror is not being used correctly
reflecting light is a story best left to science journalists
or both

While no one knows how mirrors actually work, this particular installation might not be right.

Recurring Local Problem

Mirror image quality problems are not new to the area

Officials are investigating.